“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I just love that new Pope smell.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I don’t make the rules sorry
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.