Never go to sleep after making me angry
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.