WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
#SCOTUS one-star review
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.