Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
United Steaks of America
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.