can you read it!!??
maan!
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*