My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
My blood type is b hungry.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.