After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*Inspirational Tweets*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Finally!
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.