the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.