I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You Might Also Like
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Well well well…
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale