My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
💯😂
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Netflix and awkward silence?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.