Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.