When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*