Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.