Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
the battle rages on
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date