Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
uncle dave has been through hell
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”