GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.