If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already