this chia pet tastes awful
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
philosophical skeletons be like