Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
It’s the weekend y’all
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water