Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Happy Star Wars day!
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.