My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Saint West, the patron of selfies
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.