Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.