When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.