My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The old gods are rising again.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.