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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Wednesday
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
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.
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Biden: Okay.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe