Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
dream blunt rotation
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Actually cracking up @ this
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?