EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
what does he know…
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea