Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.