[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?