After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.