People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”