In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Nothing to do, you say?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I used to be married, but I’m better now