Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life