When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
You Might Also Like
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
mumsnet is amazing
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.