My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
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Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.