Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.