Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.