[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
crazy