[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
That’s it.I’m out.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
me refusing to leave twitter
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s