Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference