how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Oceanography is all about current events
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Holy shit he’s back
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words