*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
What’s a Messi?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.