this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.