Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Worst perfume name ever.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice