Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Rather alarming headline…
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Still cracks me up
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.