I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.