I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Oh, I bet you would be
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?