Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Watson was Holmes schooled
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Born to be mild.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
kids play hide and seek like
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.