I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.