“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.